Empathy is so important to a successful Dominant and submissive relationship that I wouldn't teach men the secrets of erotic dominance at all if I did not believe that they were capable of feeling empathy for their women.
While all romantic relationships need empathy in order to thrive, it's especially critical to the success of the Dominant and submissive dynamic because of the heightened emotional vulnerability created by D/s. Anywhere there is a power exchange, the recipient of the power needs to possess a keen awareness of his partner's feelings in any given moment, because that is the key piece of information that will enable him to wield his power in a way that serves his submissive and to protect his submissive from accidental misuses of power that could destroy her trust.
When a man wields power in a way that produces pleasure for his submissive, massive amounts of trust are built. If he utilizes power - even accidentally - in a way that causes her pain, massive amounts of trust can be lost. And without trust, there is no erotic Dominance and submission.
A submissive whose Dominant lacks empathy will not be his submissive for very long. Remember, the type of erotic submission that we are discussing here at Intimate Harmony cannot be forced. It requires a willing and voluntary choice on the woman's part to surrender into her natural receptive role, and she can do that only if she feels extraordinarily safe with her partner. That extraordinary safety can occur only when he is very sensitive to what she is experiencing moment-by-moment in response to his application of dominance.
The biggest popular misunderstanding about erotic Dominance and submission continues to be the false notion that it is about forcing ones agenda on someone else, consequences to her be damned. I hope that by now you can see that nothing could be further from the truth. The purpose of erotic Dominance and submission is to give both people an extraordinarily pleasurable experience, and that will happen only if the individual who is calling the shots and driving the bus is keenly aware of what effect his choices are having on his partner. Moreover, he needs to be aware of that effect in the moment that he is taking action, not hours or days later when he and his partner get a chance to do a formal debrief of the action. That in-the-moment sensitivity requires empathy.
So, what about the fact that some have stated that empathy is a feminine trait evolved for the purpose of nurturing children and antithetical to the assertive raw masculine energy of the dominant lover? When we seek information on how to be a dominant lover, do we really expect to be told, "Pay more attention to your partner's feelings"?
Isn't the archetypal image of masculine studliness the heartless Bad Boy who takes what he wants from women without the slightest consideration for how his actions impact others?
Well, there are a lot of women out there settling for Bad Boys, but it's only because they haven't been offered anything better. Most men are so timid about expressing their sexual desires that the only time a woman feels truly wanted, truly affirmed in her sexiness and femininity, is in the arms of a Bad Boy. Alas, for that short-lived thrill she pays a heavy price, for the Bad Boy does indeed fall short in the empathy department, and consequently every act of offering her vulnerability to the Bad Boy comes back to bite the woman.
But not all men are empathy-challenged. Nor need those who are empathy-challenged stay so. Experience and research alike have taught me that empathy is a skill that can be developed by choice, regardless of ones gender. Men can learn to be empathetic. Can they learn to be as empathetic as women? Given enough time and practice, probably, though my suggestion for men is this: do not worry who is more empathetic in your relationship, you or your lady, but rather ask yourself, "Have I cultivated enough empathy to be able to skillfully fulfill the role of Dominant in my intimate relationship? Has my chosen partner cultivated enough empathy to be able to skillfully fulfill the role of submissive in our intimate relationship?" Remember, the role of the D/s dynamic is not to compete with each other, but to serve and contribute to one another in a way that is simultaneously self-fulfilling, so every ounce of understanding and awareness that either partner can bring to the party is a blessing to the entire relationship.
Empathy actually has something very much in common with masculine sexual initiative - both are taboo for men according to the social programming that predominates in our society. According to social programming, men are not supposed to have or to care about feelings, and they are also not supposed to be too sexually assertive - they're certainly not supposed to bellow orders in the bedroom, even if doing so would send their woman into sexual ecstasy.
For many men that I have helped through my coaching program, it was actually deepening their sense of empathy for their special lady that enabled them to lay claim of their latent potential for erotic dominance, because it was only once they could feel compassion for the woman's desire to submit that they could fully embrace erotic dominance. This makes complete sense to me.
Social programming seems to restrict men to a kind of grey middle ground where they don't feel or express too much of anything - not too much sexual desire and initiative but also not too much empathy or care for others or too much of their own tender side.
To unleash a man's innate capacity for dominance requires that that stifling social programming be stripped off so that the man can be both more assertive and more empathetic. Successful erotic dominance requires both of those extreme elements of the man's character. A woman is seeking those extremes of character when she tangles with a Bad Boy, but alas, he delivers on only one half of the recipe for female sexual fulfillment. This is why I guide men to go far beyond the mere Bad Boy way of being. Trust me, the Bad Boy is NOT the pinnacle of masculine sexual potential! Far from it! Any lessons that we draw from the Bad Boy playbook provide just the first steps on a much longer and more powerful journey to a destination beyond anything any Bad Boy ever conceived of.
To define sexual dominance as disregard for the feelings and desires of another is to completely fail to understand what erotic dominance really is.
Dominance that is not informed by empathy simply self-destructs.
And in answer to the question, "Can a man even be empathetic?" I'd like to point out that some of history's shining examples of empathetic individuals have been men. One particularly notable individual in my mind was the psychologist Carl Rogers, a leading founder of the humanistic school of psychology.
So, as evidence that a man can be profoundly empathetic, I'll leave you with a video of Rogers describing in his own words what it means to be empathetic:
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